The Mortician and the Peacock

Now peacock feathers? Well, they’ve always brought me luck.

The feather slid easily into the bun atop her head, her lip stain a glorious red that popped her pucker like a cherry. Behind her, watching the lace of her skirt sashay, was that brain dead boxer, hog-tied and gagged, the uptown amateur all washed up before he’d even hit his prime. What a waste. Minnie insisted on witnessing the payback firsthand, especially when it came out of her pocket.

“Darling, aren’t you almost finished?” she asked the man in the gray hat whose iron knuckles were soaked in blood.

“That depends, sweetheart, how pretty do you want him?”

“We’re headin’ over to Clarence next. No need to get all dolled up about it, darling, he adds his own shine to the fellas.”

A gurgling moan came from the boxer's gullet, and the man in the gray hat crouched to meet his eyes, cleaning his bloody knuckles on the boxer’s shirt. “Guess you’ve heard of him, then?”

“Sidney, darling, who hasn’t?” Minnie clicked over, laying eyes on the fool one more time. “I warned you, Edgar. Didn’t I? Now look at you.”

The man shut his eyes as she stared, drowning in his shame. She liked that, when she evoked instinct in them, flares and fears and everything in between. It meant control. Minnie flashed her lashes at Sidney, tossing a nod down to the pathetic puddle on the floor.

That’s all she needed to do before Edgar was lugged into the trunk of a car. It was time to visit the mortician.

*

All you bring through my door is trouble.

The bell sounded from the side door, which at that time of night, only meant trouble. Clarence sat at his mahogany desk with a pipe in his teeth, poring over papers and sketching out something a little different this time, something with rat tails and a steam engine, but he shuffled it all away once he realized there was company.

Minnie Minkowski, or Madame Mink as she’d been going by in recent days with certain unseemly types, stood at the funeral home door with a stole over her shoulders and a peacock feather in her hair, the semicircle of iridescent jade cradling a watchful blue eye.

“It’s rude to keep a lady waiting.”

“Punctuality is only my priority when you’ve been invited. What’s your errand boy got there?” Clarence eyed Sidney, who stood beside the trunk.

“Just a little something for you.”

“I’m a respected man in this town, and you keep bringing garbage to my door.”

“And I’m an aristocrat, darling. My garbage is better than most,” Minnie snipped back.

Under the cover of darkness Sidney dragged the bruised boxer through the doors of the funeral home while Clarence and Minnie looked on. Sconces cast a dancing light as Clarence led them past the cold fireplace and through the empty chapel to the room that said, ‘Restricted Access.’

“Dead already?” asked Clarence.

“Almost.” Minnie smiled. “I left a little life in him for you.”

He ushered them into the darkened space with the black and white tile floor. The lightbulb cast a slow light upon the surfaces of the embalming room. It was the first room Clarence had installed electricity in.

“Watch it,” Clarence warned Sidney as he kept a watchful eye on the man in the gray hat, ensuring no bottles of formaldehyde were disturbed, no glass cabinet touched. The two men lifted the boxer together and placed him on the steel table at the center of the room.

Clarence knew that Minnie was suspicious of his demeanor. Usually he’d crack a joke or two or have a story to tell, but this night he barely looked her in the eye.

“You’re as cold as the clientele tonight, Clarence, darling. What’s the problem?”

He didn’t let a look slip, just shrugged his shoulders and avoided her gaze. “You show up at my door unannounced, and you expect a royal welcome?”

“Unannounced? You’re well compensated to be ready for me at any time, darling.”

“Not for much longer, Minnie.” Clarence positioned the boxer on the table so that his feet faced a large drain on the tile floor.

“Excuse me?” She approached Clarence. “What did you say to me?”

“This arrangement,” he said, facing her now with his piercing blue eyes. “It’s not working for me.”

She threw a flirty laugh his way. “Aw, you don’t like my money anymore?”

“My sources of income have expanded beyond what you’re capable of providing.”

“Is that so?”

Clarence shrugged her off and went back to work on the boxer, opening his mouth in examination to look for any gold teeth. “This guy is useless,” he huffed. “Not even strong enough to stand. If you’re going to bring me live ones, at least leave them semi-conscious.”

But Minnie wasn’t over the discussion yet. “What other sources of income?”

Clarence balked at the question and continued his work on Edgar, taking a scalpel and slicing a clean line, barely visible, right at the jugular. Blood spilled over the table and dripped into the drain beneath the dead boxer’s feet.

“Clarence, darling, I asked you a question.” Minnie was getting miffed.

“Don’t worry about it,” he replied, which angered her further.

“Have you started dropping Does for the boroughs?”

“Look, Minnie, I said don’t worry about it.”

“But I am worried, Clarence. When you say things like that, it makes me very worried. We’ve made a lot of money together, and now you’re trying to rock the boat?”

“Yes, Minnie, we have made a lot of money together. And now I am able to make more.”

“If you’re getting in with the five boroughs, I expect a cut.”

“Like hell you do,” Clarence barked.

“I brought you into this business, Clarence—”

“And I’m the one who made you the money, Minnie. You would’ve been caught years ago if you were still throwing your bodies into the Hudson. I’m the reason you ever reached prestige.”

Minnie and Sidney stood opposite Clarence with the dead boxer gurgling blood out on the table between them.

“Fair enough.” She shrugged and pet the fur stole on her shoulders. “You’ve got a nifty little trick getting rid of my trash, sure, but I can find someone else to do what you do, and for cheaper.”

“Good luck,” Clarence said. “And good riddance. You’ll be caught in a week.”

“So what’s the rub, then?” Minnie asked, ready to play ball as poor Edgar bled out. “You want more capital? Want a little hug and an ‘atta boy’ anytime you do your job?”

“I want 50%.”

Minnie laughed, genuinely amused by the audacity.

“You’re a real bastard, you know that?”

“I’m beginning to understand that, yes,” Clarence replied.

“If you want 50%, then I want to know how you do it.”

Her proposition hung in the air, and now Clarence balked at her audacity. “Never.”

“Then no deal, darling. And I can have Sidney here dispose of you as quickly as you did our boxer friend.”

“You’re lucky if your lackey can sing the alphabet.”

*

Hey feller, what’s the big idea?

Minnie could tell Sidney was getting mighty sick of Clarence’s lip, and though he had to wait for her cue—stepping out of line would have been much worse for him—he was ready to give this fella the ol’ what for.

“Now see here, feller,” Sidney started. But Minnie cut him off.

“Clarence, darling, let’s be reasonable. I don’t want to have to kill you. In fact, I’ve always been very fond of you. You’ve got a shine, a bit of the old fashion, that the other criminals just can’t match. It would be a shame to cut our ties now while we’re just gaining notoriety.”

“I’m no criminal.”

Minnie chuckled. “Well, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…”

“We’ve got dirt on you, pretty boy,” sneered Sidney.

Minnie caught the drift and ran with it. “My, my, darling, that is true. It would be a shame if Mr. Do-Good had a very sudden, and very devastating, fall from grace. Oh, what would the neighborhood say? Local altar boy dances nightly with the devil? I don’t think the city folk would like that news very much.”

“You’d incriminate yourself.” Clarence scooped the remainder of Edgar’s blood toward the drain and wiped off the excess.

“True, but I’m one of the eccentric elite, don’t forget. There’s always some rumor about the millionaire heiress in her waterfront mansion. I can disappear, take a few months abroad to beat the allegations. Where will you go?”

“You’d sink your own ship to spite the rats.” Clarence pulled off his gloves.

“I like that you called yourself a rat, it’s very fitting.”

Clarence stopped then as an idea took hold. He looked between Minnie and Sidney. Was there any other possible end to this? As is, she would never concede, and he would never be rid of her. Yes, perhaps rats were very fitting, indeed.

“OK, Minnie,” Clarence began. He washed his hands in the basin as he mulled over his options. “Let’s take a beat.”

She ran her hand along the fur stole on her shoulders.

Sidney already had the knife up his sleeve poised for action, and Minnie wasn’t sure if he’d wait for her order.

“Pretty boy is really asking for it. You’re runnin’ out of options, sonny.” Sidney took a step toward Clarence, the knife peeking out of his fist. Minnie didn’t move to stop him, which he took as a go sign. “I think we’ve heard enough from the mortician now.”

“Yes, I think you’re right,” said Minnie.

Clarence stood his ground, not moving, not flinching, showing no sign of resistance as Sidney closed in on him. Positioned at the foot of the table now, where the blood trickled drip by drip into the drain in the floor, Clarence motioned for Minnie with his hand.

“We’ve been through a lot together, Minnie. I’d hate for this to be our end.”

She clicked over to him, coy as a debutante, and took his hand. Sidney was real close with his knife, and though it would be regrettable to lose her mortician, he was getting a little too lippy for her liking. “Agreed, but I can’t let you get the upper hand. You understand, don’t you, darling?”

“Unfortunately, yes.”

With a quick flip, Clarence grabbed Sidney’s wrist with his right hand and Minnie’s arm with his left.

In a flash of light that Minnie mistook for the lightbulb popping, all three were suddenly transported out of the embalming room of the funeral home, arriving somewhere new and dark and very strange.

Minnie opened her eyes, the flashing white leaving dots to flicker in her gaze, but when she blinked away the phantom lights and took a real look, her breath caught in her chest. All three of them were somewhere…else.

Overhead there were glowing colors of purple and blue with streaks of yellow swirling amongst each other like rivers of thick paste. It was mesmerizing to behold. They stood at the center of a grove of golden trees, lit from the inside and illuminating their faces in a magical ambience.

“Clarence?” Minnie squeaked. She couldn’t form any additional words. Beside her, Sidney stared out from below his gray hat, slack-jawed, attempting to comprehend the sudden change in location. Minnie knew this was trouble as she stared at the twisted sky, the glowing trees, and swirl of sparkle in the air. Clarence remained calm, steady. There was no hint of worry on his face, no inclination of danger. In fact, his whole demeanor terrified her. “Clarence, what is this? What’s going on?”

“Like I said, I hate for this to be our end. But at least you’ll get to learn how I dispose of the bodies.” And with that, using all his might, he shoved them both hard and fast toward an edge behind them that neither knew was there. Sidney immediately lost his footing and plummeted into a chasm of darkness. After a few seconds more, Minnie heard a splash of water deep below.

“No, Clarence, please!” She held tight to his shoulder, scrambling to remain on her two feet, but Clarence was too strong, and he pushed her again with gusto. He didn’t blink, he didn’t flinch, as he threw her headfirst into the unknown below.

After another few seconds, a second splash sounded, and Clarence brushed off his suit and adjusted his vest. He took a peek at his pocket watch and shut it tight, remembering the time—11:12pm—as the moment he’d forsaken Madame Mink and Sidney to fend for themselves within the Shadow world. Most likely they would die fast, if the fall hadn’t already killed them. If not, then Clarence’s rats would find them.

He took a deep breath, feeling free of the heavy hand of Madame Mink, and with another click of his watch, he disappeared from the Shadow world in a bright flash, leaving the sky to swirl again in silence.